“I never learn from my mistakes.” A sad truth that this article will explain why we continually make the same mistakes again and again.
We actually do learn from our mistakes, but we learn bad habits. In every event, we are accumulating knowledge of a process; action, reaction and a result. This is exactly the same thing that we have been doing since we where born. An action leads to a reaction which leads to a result and the whole process gets stored in memory. When a similar action happens again, we automatically search our memory for an appropriate reaction that we think we should have, based on a previous event. This will produce a result and that result will be stored in memory.
The problem is that all we are doing is accumulating information as to if something happens, how did I react and what was the result. It does not teach us how to react to get a different result.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result.
If I ask you how much is 2 plus 2, you do not go through the mechanical process of counting one and one and one and one and get four. No, you think very quickly 2 plus 2 is 4, because you already know that answer. This is a very useful ability to save time and is good in many situations, but not in finding Love and learning from past relationship mistakes.
In order to find that perfect relationship that will last without fights and pain, we must learn the reason why we make these mistakes.
Our problem lies in desire. We desire certain things, which means we require a certain outcome to all situations. It is extremely rare for us to meet a new person and be completely open to it turning out how it will, how destiny or circumstance will determine, rather than how you want it to be.
In our relationships, we often have arguments and get angry with another person because even though Jack told Jill his situation, Jill did not want to hear it because it did not fit in with her desires. This is the cause of most conflicts, most fights, most disagreements.
You where given information either verbally or subtly, with hints that your intuition was capable of interpreting and preparing for if you were in a completely objective state and listening to what the other person was really trying to say. But you did not hear it because it did not fit with your plans. Often a person cannot properly formulate or verbalize their thoughts, but if you are attentive and open enough, you can see what they are trying to express. Sometimes they just do not have the courage to say it.
This applies very well to new relationships when fear of being alone enters. How many characteristics do we close our eyes to when meeting a new person because we want the relationship to work out for any number of reasons.
If you close your eyes and go into a room, you have no right to curse the furniture when you stub your toe. Even moving the furniture around is no help because the next time you enter the room, if you still close your eyes, you will hit the furniture again. The fault is not in the furniture, the room or the lack of light, these are all parts of the mind.
We repeat our mistakes and never learn because we do not know the correct way to react to a situation. Every situation is different. It would be impossible for anyone to learn the right reaction to every possible event. If anyone gives you a guide or list of; ‘if this happens, then do that’, is preparing you for disaster.
What if it is a bomb disposal instruction said; “cut the blue wire before the red”, but the guy who made the bomb mixed up the wires?
Rather, the solution lies in developing a completely objective mind that is open without placing its desires in your own thoughts so loudly that it drowns out common sense and to your ability to interpret the clear signs.
Once you have developed the ability to be objective and allow all things to happen freely, you will not need to control things, or to try and alter things to your desires. You will have developed an ability to be prepared for all events before they happen because, along with being objective, that ability brings flexibility and adaptability so you will be able to adapt to all situations with complete equanimity.
You will no longer need to force things against their nature, because that is only a temporary change. Eventually nature will take its own course, and that is the moment that it slaps you in the face.
In this way you will be able to adapt to all situations, prepare in advance for most difficulties and events and you will be right in the perfect spot to gain the most benefit and live with the most ease through all situations and, finally, you will have learnt from your mistakes. Not the event, but the manner of dealing with the events in your own mind.
To become objective you must realize and accept how very subjective you are, then change it. The solution to every problem can be found in accepting the objective reality of the situation. That is all. Once you have that, you will have attained equanimity and can be the master of your own heart and mind which means, you will no longer have fear of opening your heart and feeling the love we all desire.
Stop putting your desires, ideas and concepts on other people. Listen to them instead.