The reason that heartbreak is so strong and hard to get over is that the pain is not caused by what you think. Because of this mistaken source, the pain is kept alive longer than is necessary since it is found, understood and resolved.
The loss of the person is the obvious and therefore, the accepted cause of the pain. But that is not entirely true. Our most profound and essential need of being worthy is fulfilled by having someone with an emotional connection in your life. When you lose that person, you have lost your sense of purpose, your reason to live.
To have someone to do something for is our greatest joy. We need a response; the gratitude, the smile and appreciation that comes from the one we serve in order to gain the satisfaction we are valuable.
The cause of pain has been confused with thinking it’s the person who is gone. What you are actually suffering from is the loss of a purpose, a justification for your existence, NOT that person individually.
Of course there is the loss of love, that is certainly a large part of the pain, but the suffering often goes on for longer than necessary and is more painful than it needs to be. The heartbreak stays because you are confused with the cause of your pain.
This also drives us to make the mistakes of choosing the wrong person for the next relationship, or not taking the right one who comes along because we are ‘not ready yet’.
From another point of view, you will find that your pain is your own self pity. “I will be alone, who will I love, who will I go out with.” Self pity that causes pain has nothing to do with the person you lost.
So now, how to cure the pain? First, understand the cause of it which is the loss of purpose, not only the person and the companionship. Next, make the commitment to become worthy of the ’10’ you want. Refine your own character to truly appreciate what you have. For a guideline of qualities of character that can make you a ’10’ worthy of a ’10’ visit http://ethicalism.org
We are talking about far more than love and heartbreak. We are talking about confusion in life in general. Advertisements present all sorts of things that will make us happy, yet we always feel a lack of satisfaction. We are looking in the wrong places for the cause of our pains.
Exercise
What is the greatest joy you get in life? Give this a few weeks of a lot of thought and observation, searching for what gives you the most joy, and for each thing you find, ponder; is the root cause of the joy that you have made someone smile?
There is an old story about Fatima and the Sultan. The Sultan had a harem of 100 wives. A friend asked him who was his favourite and he said Fatima was. Of course, his friend asked why he preferred Fatima, she was not the prettiest or the youngest. The Sultan said he would show his friend why. The Sultan then called to all his wives and had them meet him in the royal treasury. He opened the doors and there was the largest collection of jewels and gold and treasures that anyone could imagine. The Sultan told all his wives to go and take any piece they desired. All the women flew into the treasury overjoyed, except Fatima. The Sultan’s friend asked Fatima why she is not going in to take her gift. Fatima responded; “The Sultan is all I want.”
I can tell you another story, this one true. A friend who is married told me that every night and every morning she prays that she will always make her husband happy, make him smile each day, that she will do things every day to make him love her more and more for the rest of their life.
That is her prayer, to give but never to ask for anything for herself. She said that the reason for her prayers is that if she can be that for her husband, then he will always be happy with her and never cheat on her or leave her. It makes perfect sense, then they will both be happy and get what they want for their whole lives. Imagine if both partners had the same pray and attitude!
It is so ironic that we could be so much happier and it would be so much easier to find a wonderful companion, if people chased the true source of happiness rather than illusions and misdirected ideas from fairy tales of what will bring them joy. The joy of giving, having a sense of purpose, being needed AND appreciated. There is our happiness, balance and contentment.
I once asked a very religious man about God. I said, “If God is perfect and has everything He could want or need, why did He create us?” And the response said everything that can be said about finding happiness.
“God is perfect, he has everything and needs nothing. But there is one thing that God cannot give to himself. The joy of giving. In order for God to experience that joy, He needed someone to give to, so he created us.”
Not only do we need to have a purpose and serve others, but they need to have someone to serve as well. Our duty is to be worthy of being served as well as to serve. I have seen many relationships improve with this simple concept. Do for the other and appreciate what they do for you. Ask nothing, accept everything, and you will have that perfect loving partner for the rest of your life.
Join the discussion